When did you first know...?

A lot of people, both gay & straight & otherwise, think that being bisexual is a phase before one commits to being fully gay or fully straight. There are plenty of examples of biphobia, so be careful. There are certain sensations that are not gender-specific to me, at least. A playful caress can come from anyone's hands, and a mouth is a mouth. ;) Still, for me it's a deep attraction, physical and emotional for an individual. For me, this has never been limited by gender, but once puberty struck, sexual feelings also began to be part of the complex net of attractions and desires.

I was always the shy, bookish type in school. Quiet, kept mostly to myself, but had a few very close friends. I could skip rope with the girls in a fierce manner. I could play sports & trash talk with the guys, too. Nevertheless, I was mostly a reserved guy. Then, I met Jeff.

We met in a student organization. It was a small group that year (my junior year in high school), mostly guys. Jeff was "the freshman," but he always seemed more together than the seniors or juniors, including me. We went on some field trips, & I remember the seniors hazing the hell out of Jeff. Still, we all had some fun "regular guy" times. One night, on one of these trips, I was restless & wanted to walk around the city. Our hometown was kind of small, so even though this was no major metropolis, it still seemed exciting. I was getting ready to go, & Jeff asked if he could come with. Of course, I agreed because we were friends. We walked all over town in the glare of street lights & neon, hit a few arcades & played pinball and pool. All the while we talked. We had philosophical conversations and debates (or at least what passed for them for naive teens), although we clicked on so many levels that debates were few. We stopped under a streetlight as we were ready to cross the street & go back to our hotel. Jeff looked at me, smiled, & said, "I'm glad we did this--just you'n'me." I smiled back, but I also had this odd, almost out-of-body moment in which I realized, "I love Jeff--a lot."

Thoughts had not turned to sex at that point (we were both Southern Baptists, so sex in any form was treated as non-existent, much less anything that went against the grain). Still, we all hung out together, although I maintained a special regard for Jeff. He had brought me out of my shell. I was more gregarious, social, & I was happier. I was especially happy when I was around my friend Jeff. Then, I met Claire.

I guess I should say I "re-met" Claire, because I had known her for ages, but we had never moved in similar circles before. We began to hang out together too, in another small group of friends. Her best friend was dating someone else in the student group Jeff & I belonged to, so we started to have little get-togethers and go to movies, & the like. Sometimes, Claire & I would be alone while our friends had "couple time." We would sit & talk for hours. We even went to see a different movie than our friends, mainly so that we wouldn't have to watch or hear them snog through the film. We went to see The Lost Boys. We didn't think it was that great, but we thought it was fun. We also looked at each other several times during the movie and made the same comment to each other, like we were thinking the exact same things at the exact same time. That was when I noticed how bright her eyes were when she smiled or laughed. I looked in those eyes & felt that same glazed-over feeling I had felt with Jeff. I loved her. Thank God, it was a girl!

A few weeks passed, and I spent more time with both Jeff and Claire in groups and alone with each of them. I started to realize that the love I had in my heart & mind for them also had a certain resonance below the belt. I knew I wanted to kiss Claire more than anything. I didn't then want to think that I wanted to kiss Jeff, but I had already dreamed that he had tried to kiss me, & in that dream I did not object. I was tormented by this simultaneous love for two people who were also my best friends. I also could no longer deny the physical desire that I was feeling for my male buddy. I did decide that I wanted to tell them, or at least Claire, since that was safer in that place and that time. Well, as it so happened, Claire was having a big party. A whole lot of my friends, old & new, would be there. Jeff was going to be there, too. We all had tons of fun, except for the moment when Claire ate a handful of Skittles thinking they were M&Ms! She may like Skittles, but when you get sour fruit when you expect sweet chocolate, it's a shock to the system. She wasn't the only one due for a shock to the system that evening.

Another friend had brought a pizza to the party. He loved anchovies, so he knew that 1) no one would bring a pizza like that but him and 2) he probably wouldn't have to share any. Sure that no one would take him up on it, he offered the other partygoers a slice. Jeff then got up & said that he'd try a piece. Most of the rest of us made gagging noises, but Jeff said that he didn't mind trying new things. He looked at me when he said that. Or did he? Wishful thinking often betrays the mind's eye. Jeff took a BIG bite to prove that he'd done it & to prove that he wasn't scared or grossed out. Then, he started getting red in the face. It was the saltiness that got him more than anything. At any rate, he did start to gag & had to run out to the yard, as we were nowhere near enough to the bathroom. Claire went out with wet cloths to help him, since she was the host and a friend. Jeff seemed so embarrassed when he ran out that I didn't want to disturb him. Everyone else inside was making dumb jokes about his "salty atomic hurl." When it quietened down, I slowly worked my way out to the yard. Claire was still tending to him, with such a look of care & concern on her face. Jeff still looked sheepish, but was cracking self-deprecating jokes so that we wouldn't be embarrassed about all this. I went & got them both some water. When I got back, they were laughing & the mood was much lighter. We all rejoined the party.

That little bit of drama & the way each of them showed concern for another just made me love each of them more. I was still torn, but I made up my mind to tell one of them. Something. Tonight.

The party started to break up. I was waiting for there to be fewer people around so that I could take Jeff or Claire aside and talk, one on one. Still, I was nervous. I went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and steel myself. I came out, finally ready, come what may. I looked around. Jeff was gone.
"Where's Jeff?" I asked Holly.
"Oh, he caught a ride with Bobby. Bobby felt guilty about giving him that anchovy pizza, so he offered him a ride home."
"That was nice of Bobby," I said through slightly gritted teeth. Fewer people were there now, so I found Claire and asked her if we could talk. She smiled and that beautiful shimmer in the corner of her eyes appeared again, "Of course!" We went to her room, & I gulped & confessed my feelings for her. I sure didn't tell her about what I was feeling for Jeff!! She listened, but I could see her smile dimming. She came over to me & hugged me. She said that she appreciated that greatly, but she didn't feel the same way. I was not as crushed as I would've been afraid I might've been. She explained that she loved me very much as a friend, but that she had romantic feelings for someone else. Now, the crushed part started to hit my heart. I thanked her for telling me, and I promised her that I loved her as a friend and hoped that our friend ship could remain despite my confession. She said that she hoped so as well. I went home and wept.

The next day, Jeff called me. I was glad that he was feeling all right and hadn't suffered any further anchovy-related nausea. We talked a while, and then his tone got quite serious: "I want to ask you about something that happened last night..."
"Umm..okay. What is it?"
"I know how you feel..."
My heart leapt and nearly stopped, "*swallows hard* WH-what're you talking about?"
"I could see how you looked at Claire & me."
"*wipes sweat from brow* W-well, y-you know..."
"I feel that way too."
My mind was a miasma. "...What do you mean?"
"I think...I'm in love...with Claire. I...I love her too."
I don't remember a lot of the rest of this conversation. Every time he had started to speak I had this wild fantasy of what he would say, & then he would almost say it, & then the bomb blew. I was its only casualty. Jeff had talked to Claire that day, & although she was sweet & didn't divulge much of our conversation from the previous night, Jeff wanted to ask me if I would be weirded out if he were to ask Claire out. "Of course not. I'm cool with that. You all are my best friends. I just...hope that you'll each have a little time for me every now & again." I wasn't really lying, but I was definitely crying by this point. He thanked me, & we apparently had a pretty good conversation after that, but I don't remember too much of it.

Jeff & Claire were dating by the next day. Occasionally, when it wasn't a date, I would hang with the two of them. I still loved them both & enjoyed any time I got to spend with either one. Their relationship didn't last, just a few months (which may have seemed like an eternity in those youthful days). I know that we all still hung around together and separately until I graduated. That was twenty years ago. God, how time flies and yet keeps us like flies in amber, stuck in moments in the past that have fossilized within us. I've kept in contact with them both. Even to this day, I still love them both, but some of the desires have been tempered by time. Claire now has a young son, and still lives in our hometown. Jeff now lives abroad, working for the US government. About ten years ago, he came out to me. Yes, in that way. He had a steady boyfriend at the time. So did I. I have never asked him why he chose to come out to me, but I did return the favor. I told him that I had loved him more than he knew back in the day. He smiled, and hugged me. It was about the finest embrace I've ever felt, even if that is as far as that went, you naughty reader. ;)

So, that's the story of when I first fell in love. When I first knew that I was bisexual and not just drawn to one gender or another. I was drawn to two wonderful, caring, funny people whom I love even to this day, even if that love has changed. It seems that most people's first love, regardless of orientation, is confusing, torrid, and not usually happily-ever-after. I just had a 50% bonus on it all. I have fallen in love again. With men. With women. I have been able to express my love physically with men and with women. I am usually very committed and monogamous in my love and affection. If I am with someone, I am with him/her and no one else. That first love was a rarity. So was the time(s) I lost my virginities. But that story will come next time.

Cecilia Valdés

My last serious relationship was with a beautiful woman I will call Cecilia Valdés. She has the same name as the title of a famous 19th-century novel from Latin America. She made me laugh in great ways. She also could sing 80s pop tunes better than I could ever hope to. We had so much fun together that I was really falling for her. We started slowly and carefully reaching out toward each other. We would not go too fast.

We played together in many ways for months, but we were always a bit wary. I'm a born Southerner. She, a Nuyorican. She was almost 10 years younger. She knew that I was bisexual. She had a history, too, but not quite as varied as mine. Culture clashes often erupted, but they were always minor and eroded quickly.

We had what I had thought was a good thing for over a year. In the summer of 2001, she went home to be with her family. When she came back, she seemed a bit cooler to some of our (mis)adventures. After 9/11, she erected a wall. I was really into her in so many ways. Te quería muchísimo, Cecilia. ¡Arriba el telón! ¿Cómo te puedo amar?

On the fifth of October, we went to see a movie. We saw _Amelie_, a very sweet French movie that nearly brought us both to tears--the good kind, not the dumb, weepy, sad kind. I was so glad to have shared this with her in so many ways. Afterwards, we went back to her place and sat in the dark and talked for hours.

During those hours, she said that it was all too much for her at this point. I may have tried to understand, but I didn't at the time. I'm no monster; I'm no saint. Just another human stuck to this terrestrial ball hurtling through space. I cannot record her words with any justice, although the sentiment, if not the verbatim words, remain ingrained in my mind and heart even now, nearly 7 years past. She hoped that we could remain friends, but she just didn't think anything beyond that would be good for either of us at that historical moment.

We remain friends to this day, although our friendliness is nowhere nearly as intimate (emotionally) as it was before. What strikes me as funny even to this day is that she finally saw in me not a "boyfriend" but a "girlfriend."

Well, GIRRRRRRRL, PUH-LEEZ!!!!!!!!!

Nevertheless, I dedicate this post to my former "love" Cecilia Valdés. I hope that we may each anew find the magic that we seemed to share in our "Era una vez..."

Woody Allen said that being bisexual doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night. It can also make you feel twice as lonely. It's allowed me to lose my virginity about 6 times (maybe more if you use the rubric used in King of the Hill). This is just a first test post, so I'll allow you all to enumerate and illustrate those ways before I go any further. Fasten your seat belts! We're in for many bumpy nights!