My Transgender Crush

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bC_40paWoUk&feature=player_embedded#!

More, More, More

Hello again! Time waits for no one, and it sure has run by me or over me lately. I have a few updates and info that I thought I would share.

Robyn Ochs came to visit the university I attend. I got to talk to her sort-of one-on-one, and I am even more invigorated to be a bisexual activist in my own way. The fact that my bi friend was there only increased my sense of feeling blessed and honored to know such people and to start to work for social justice for all—including bisexual folks.

That sister I had mentioned? Well…she outed me to my 80-year old mother. I was going to tell Mom the next time I saw her IRL, but my sister took my voice from me. I won’t go into details because it is long and involved, but I believe that she told Mom for selfish reasons—not to aid me in any way. She was trying to play the martyr card as a “supportive sibling” for the downtrodden bisexual brother. Oh, brother, is about all I can say, although my thoughts are more full of swearing...

My friend TransMac has been living as a total dude. His strength, despite his young age (just like my bi friend), awes me, inspires me and honors me. He is an amazing guy, and I am so privileged to have his trust. He and my other LGBTQI friends-family make me so proud!

I worked at my local Pride festival. What is Pride to me? That such an amazing assortment of people—gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, transgender, questioning, ally, etc.—would look at me and call me “friend” and “support” really makes me feel like I have done something good in this world. Just to know such people at all is a blessing and inspiring wonderment. That they call me friend is an honor that fills my heart and soul.

Troubled?

I recently had a dream that bothered me in some ways. I dreamed that I saw this beautiful woman. She was blond and well-proportioned and really lovely. In this dream, we danced. We got closer, and I got hard. In the dreamdance, she nestled her butt into my crotch area and began to grind. Her hair brushed my face, my cheeks, the sensitive parts of my neck. Her breath synced itself with the rhythm of my breathing. I clutched her more tightly. Then next thing I remember is that I was making love with. Okay, maybe making love is the idealist’s vision; I was fucking her. Doggy style. We never kissed, but the erotic sensations that overwhelmed me even in the dream remained with me even when I awoke.

Why is this problematic? First of all, I cannot conceive of having any kind of genital sexual contact with someone whom I did not kiss. I love making out, so having sex with someone that I didn’t make out with seems weird, if not outright anathema. Secondly, as I have recounted in an earlier post, I prefer face-t-face intimacy, regardless of partner, regardless of their sex or gender identity. This is because I love kissing and because I long for an emotional intimacy which for me comes with kissing and seeing the impassioned eyes of the desired one.

Thus, this dream was more carnal, more about sex for its own right and pleasure than for the myriad extra pleasures and connotations with which I have personally inscribed my sexuality into my own code of self, ethics and desire. I am challenged. I am confused. I do not believe myself to be “above” mere carnality in my reptile brain, but my heart and soul (if you believe in such concepts or at least accept that I do) longs for something more cogent, more palpable, more inspiring than the mere satisfaction of a physical desire/need. Thus I am troubled a little bit. I am at a loss as to what this may signify…

Monoliths

Obviously, I write this blog about my experiences as a bisexual man. Obviously, my personal experiences are not everyone’s. Then, again, neither is the way I experience sexuality. I write about my bisexuality, and, of course, other people may experience different feelings. That dear friend who came out to me recently does not currently identify with a sexual attraction to MOTSS, but ze does embrace the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual attractions ze feels. I think that it’s truly rare that any 2 people completely match in their sexuality, regardless of their orientations. I am bisexual, and I express it and feel it in a certain way. If you feel something similar, great! If not, that’s fine. I respect your feeling and expression of your sexuality.

Sexuality is so often treated as some monolithic thing. This seems to be especially true of male sexuality. Male sexuality is so often treated as something fixed, immutable and consistent. Female sexuality is often treated as somehow inherently fluid and playful: it is almost treated as something non-serious. These reifications of sexuality anger me. Not only do they distort whole groups, they disallow for individual variance. I say that we must resist being interpellated into a system that tries to make us fit into a box. Each of us has our own way of being, feeling, and expressing our attractions—however simple or complicated those attractions may be. We should celebrate diversity in the truest sense of the word, by not limiting ourselves or others by narrowing, totalizing expectations, despite the labels we might choose for ourselves.

LOL!

Today, I thanked that friend who came out to me as bi not long ago. Hir reaction was "I would hug you if I were a hugger." Ze gave me a high five instead, and that may still be the finest compliment that I have ever received. Ze got some other good news today about hir job status. I know ze will be great at hir new job, and I celebrate hir for a million reasons, and hir sexual identity is only a small part of it.

Having Someone Come Out to You

Today, one of my good friends and an all-around awesome person came out to me as bi. Ze had always identified as straight before. I was very honored that ze would come out to me. I hope I conveyed my humbled feeling but still communicated that I was thrilled with hir self-examination and embracing of this aspect of hirself.

I’m not really sure why, but I am STOKED! I am literally almost giddy about this. It’s not like I think ze is any more or less awesome than I already thought. In fact, I’m not even sure that I know why I feel so invigorated. I mean, I guess a small part is that I recognize this kind of journey of self-discovery and self-awareness, which occupied a large portion of my life until Matt and Michelle helped me figure things out, shall we say. I guess that I am also thankful that ze can feel like expressing this aspect of hirself at such a relatively young age.

It also reinforces the notion that coming out to someone is quite an honor for the one to whom someone comes out, assuming that it’s not done to castigate some ‘phobe. To come out is brave. To come out implies that the person telling you respects you enough to be allowed to have a fuller picture of hirself. That person cares for you enough to let you glimpse this aspect of their identity that could otherwise be elided. Someone coming out to you means that they are comfortable with themselves and with you. As such, it is a demonstration of respect, regard, and responsibility. It is honoring: it is humbling. Perhaps this is another reason why I am so energized: my friend invited me to know this part of hirself. That means ze cares, that I care, and that our friendship and fellowship will only be strengthened.

Should that friend ever read this message, I thank you, humbly. And, yes, you are all kinds of awesome.