I recently had a dream that bothered me in some ways. I dreamed that I saw this beautiful woman. She was blond and well-proportioned and really lovely. In this dream, we danced. We got closer, and I got hard. In the dreamdance, she nestled her butt into my crotch area and began to grind. Her hair brushed my face, my cheeks, the sensitive parts of my neck. Her breath synced itself with the rhythm of my breathing. I clutched her more tightly. Then next thing I remember is that I was making love with. Okay, maybe making love is the idealist’s vision; I was fucking her. Doggy style. We never kissed, but the erotic sensations that overwhelmed me even in the dream remained with me even when I awoke.
Why is this problematic? First of all, I cannot conceive of having any kind of genital sexual contact with someone whom I did not kiss. I love making out, so having sex with someone that I didn’t make out with seems weird, if not outright anathema. Secondly, as I have recounted in an earlier post, I prefer face-t-face intimacy, regardless of partner, regardless of their sex or gender identity. This is because I love kissing and because I long for an emotional intimacy which for me comes with kissing and seeing the impassioned eyes of the desired one.
Thus, this dream was more carnal, more about sex for its own right and pleasure than for the myriad extra pleasures and connotations with which I have personally inscribed my sexuality into my own code of self, ethics and desire. I am challenged. I am confused. I do not believe myself to be “above” mere carnality in my reptile brain, but my heart and soul (if you believe in such concepts or at least accept that I do) longs for something more cogent, more palpable, more inspiring than the mere satisfaction of a physical desire/need. Thus I am troubled a little bit. I am at a loss as to what this may signify…
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