I’ve said that I have been monogamous since dating Michelle and Matt. This is true. However, I have a bit of tale to tell. It’s part of my life; therefore, it reflects my identity as bisexual. Nonetheless, the principals (apart from me) were gay men, so it’s also a gay story.
I had been in a relationship with Trey for almost 2 years. I was completely in love with him. As I had felt with Ivan and with Corey, I felt complete. I was done; I was finished as far as relationships go. Trey & I went to a party hosted by some friends (granted, he knew them better than I did—they were in his department at the University of ____). NEWAZ, there were many people at this party. One of these fascinating people was someone else in Trey’s department—Joe. Joe was studying similar things that Trey was. He was from California like Trey was. The party was bustling, full of varied people talking of many things. I didn’t know many of these people, so I stuck pretty close to Trey & Ann & Peg (the hostesses). The ladies kept dragging Joe over to keep him talking to us all (he seemed a bit shy). The party lasted a while & eventually began to break up. At the end, it was only the 5 of us. Ann suggested that we all go clubbing. We went to a bar and talked, played pool, and drank—a lot. In the course of talking, it finally came out that Joe was gay. That was fine with me; my ‘dar had gone off earlier NEWAZ. I talked to him about coming out & the like. He talked with Trey about it too. Trey & Joe both chatted and joked with their department cohorts Ann & Peg. Joe kissed them—deeply. I thought that was rather funny. Even Trey kissed them! I must admit this bothered me a bit, even though I knew he had no interest in them. Peg thought this bar was dull & suggested we go to the gay club. We staggered that way, impelled by alcohol and a desire for a good time that didn't end.
We arrived at the gay bar. As is often the case, the place was dark and almost ominous. I don’t know why so many “gay bars” are lit like Purgatory or Dante’s Inferno, but they often seen to be some sort of descent… NEWAZ, we were there. We drank more, we talked, sort of, over the pumping, loud music. We danced. Trey & Joe again chatted up Ann & Peg & kissed them. I was a little miffed at this. We all danced—together and in pairs. At one point, Trey, Ann, & Peg went to get more drinks. Joe & I danced on the dancefloor. I saw Trey once again kiss Peg. I don't know if that “set me off” or what, but I did the “bar whisper”—yelling into Joe’s ear. “You guys kept kissing the girls in the straight club. Would you kiss a guy in the gay club?” I said this and realized that Trey had never kissed me in public. Despite that passing thought, Joe looked at me. His eyes may have been glazed, but there was no mistaking their message. We were still dancing, & he leaned in and kissed me. Now, I have been in complete love before. I have had some strictly carnal experiences before, but Joe’s kiss was the finest I have ever experienced—even to this day. He kissed me deeply. His tongue played with mine. My blood shot through my body quickly. Firmly. I cannot deny that his kiss made me hard almost instantly. I was so surprised that when our lips parted, I had to admit to him that that was the finest kiss I had ever experienced. Trey and Ann were now dancing near us & waving at us. Had Trey seen?? Joe looked at me, and his eyes looked downward. I guess my physical reaction was obvious. His hand patted my erection gently, with purpose. He leaned in & kissed me again. Again, the feeling of that kiss blew me away. After our lips parted again, he lowered his head & brushed his cheeks against the ever-growing bulge he had created. He turned around and began to grind is backside against my crotch. I couldn't then and cannot now deny the desire I had for him.
Still, something happened. He kissed my neck, although that, too, made me desire him even more. I told him, “You know, I want you so bad, but my heart is promised to another.” My nod indicated Trey. Joe looked at Trey and then he looked back at me. He didn't say much, but he did imply that Trey need never know, that maybe Joe were the right one for me not Trey. Still, my love for Trey was paramount. Ann & Trey danced over and we switched partners. I was dancing with my beloved. Trey for the first time kissed me in public. I was lost for however many minutes that lasted. All I wanted at that moment was to make love with Trey. To be with him forever. I told him that Joe & I had kissed. Trey said, “Really? That’s hot!” That was all he ever said about it. After the night broke up, Joe would barely look at me or Trey. We all went home, and Trey & I made love. I woke up in his arms and shuddered with a wondrous delight when I awoke in those same arms.
Later (much later), I found out a few things. Although Trey was out to Ann & Peg, he had never said that he was in a relationship. Ann & Peg had been trying to set Trey and Joe up at that party! I also found out that, not long after that party, Joe pursued Trey secretly. Trey apparently did not cheat on me then (that came later!), but he also apparently did not deny the possibility as quickly as I had, although their communications were through the then-still-new medium of e-mail. Trey confessed part to me, and Joe told me more later. I forgave them both, but, given other things that I eventually learned, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had followed my hormones/desire that night instead of my heart. I realize that my heart would always have won out, but it paid its own price for loving Trey. I have not been in a true relationship since we broke up. I miss being in a relationship, but sometimes I think I am too frightened of the devastating hurt caused by betrayal and relationship’s end. Loneliness, however, has its own kinds of hurt. I guess I’m still working on a lot of those issues…
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