TransMac

Not long ago, I met a young woman that I will call Michelle. She is funny, acerbic, sure of herself. She identified as a lesbian and has a girlfriend.

Recently, Michelle decided to go by “Mac.” Mac is questioning hir gender identity. I have known transgender people before, but none of them have been as close to me as Mac. Mac is my friend, and I adore hir. (Yes, I am going to be using gender-neutral pronouns in this blog. Mac still uses female pronouns, but I am doing this to practice.) Ze is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. A gifted musician. A brilliant conversationalist. A really funny guy.

I am glad and proud that ze chose to tell me that ze is questioning hir gender identity. Still, sometimes I fear that I am overwatchful of my language and behavior. I do not want to offend hir: I do not want to seemingly force hir into the gender dichotomy that language ensnares us with. Mac is very understanding and is still finding hir way in all this. I am just privileged to be invited along on the journey.

Reversal

I mentioned that my eldest sister had made inquiries into how to make me comfortable enough to come out to the family. I told you that I did indeed come out to her recently. She had said that I could call her any time about anything. I have called her a few times since then; my sexuality only came up once. And that was because she apparently tried to? outed me? to the “crazy Baptist sister.” Apparently, the crazy Baptist sister said that she knew but that she never wanted to hear about it. Completely as I had suspected… Now, however, the eldest sister confided to my younger sister and staunch ally that she just “can’t handle” talking to me much. Apparently, she feels that every conversation will inevitably turn to my sexuality. Wow. Thanks, Sis.

Thanksgiving

Hiya folks! Been a while, eh? I have to admit that I have been…distracted…of late. Sometimes, the passing of my father last December has crept into my mind in ways that I even now find astonishing. I have also been stressed by the thesis and by just the everyday struggles of making ends meet.

NEWAZ, it is the weekend of Thanksgiving, 2009. What am I thankful for? I am thankful for the wonderful friends and allies who support me. I am thankful for a family who loves me—even the ones who do not know me fully. I am thankful for the man on whom I currently have a crush—a decent, Christian, gay man, whose sagacity and good heart in a time of contumacious vacuity, if not downright malevolence, inspire me. I am thankful for my baby sister, who has been a staunch ally since I came out to her last year.

…and now, my eldest sister, to whom I came out just yesterday.

She knew. She’d known for some time, and she had wondered how I might be made “comfortable” enough to come out to the family. I think she thinks that I may be “just gay,” but she knew, nonetheless. She also figured that my friend Trey was more than just my friend. My sister volunteered to be my advocate should I decide to come out to the “crazy Baptist sister” or to my mother. Now, the “crazy Baptist” sister has brought my mother almost to tears due to my involvement with HRC. Social justice is apparently not a Christian value in her vapid estimation, whether I be only an ally or a “queer.”

Now, I am taking a liking to the term “queer,” partially because “crazy Baptist sister” uses it like some holy sword in her everyday speech. I, like others, reclaim the term. I rob it of the power that gits like the sister I yet love accord it. I revel in the fluidity that it encompasses and enumerates (Did I mention that I also have a celebrity crush on Ian Harvie? Meow!). I am bi. I am queer. Got a problem with it? I don’t care, because, yes, in the long run in that case, you are value-less.

I recently met Mel White, the founder of SoulForce, in part because of the man whom my heart and soul fancy even more so than the flesh ever could. You should read his stuff; it’s very good and shows that the so-called “Christian” arguments against gayness are blarney.

Blessed be us all! :D

Polymorphous Perverse and Proud!

Frued used the term “polymorphous perversity” to describe an infantile ability to derive pleasure from non-normative (i.e., non-genital) sexual practices or behaviors. A child is supposed to “learn,” I guess(?), that sexual pleasure is supposed to come only from the genitals.

This stance has been challenged by Deleuze and Guatarri in The Anti-Oedipus, arguing that what Freud termed polymorphous perversity (and therefore incomplete or deviant) is in actuality a completely free slate, a free area of play of signifiers. It transcends distinction and difference, which would eventually compartmentalize sensation—self, object/fetish, genitals, other body parts.

Judith Butler has also criticized the socialization of the individual subject to in effect this free sense of their body as a whole, assigning specific roles to certain parts or areas. For example, if some said, “Feel this!,” you would most likely stick out your hand to touch, no? Yes, the hands and fingertips have more receptors, but most of your skin all over your body would feel the general sensation. Granted, even I don’t test the roughness of sandpaper or the smoothness of silk with my elbow or anything, but I would still feel it.

At any rate, I am writing this not as an analytical piece about past conceptions of polymorphous perversity. I am writing this because I fit the definition. Oh, don’t think that I have not experienced erotic pleasure from the more traditional body parts that one would think to be the origins of a man’s sexual pleasure. It also doesn’t mean that a touch will automatically make me horny. However, a simple touch in the right place in the right way can give me personally some sensation that is akin to erotic pleasure.

The first time I had sex with Trey, I did not come, at least not in the obvious sense. However, he caressed my body all over in a way that I orgasmed with my whole body. And after that intense rush of endorphins, I felt tired. Yep! I came & then felt sleepy! And all without any penetration and with my bodily fluids intact.

I guess I am writing this because I think that it is a gift, not a perversion, that I have sensitive nipples, that a gentle caress of my back can make me swoon, or that butterfly kisses along my jawline below my ears could make my eyes roll back into my head. These are just a few examples. I firmly believe that the fact that I am comfortable with my entire body and its possibilities for pleasure are one of the reasons that I identify as bisexual. The tender hand or gentle lips that give that touch have no gender. However, I must also admit that, for me, the touch of someone to whom I am emotionally attracted increases the physical reaction I have.

I guess the issue for me is that, as in being bisexual, being able to feel pleasure at the touch of someone you care about, and not just a nice kiss or a stroke on the genitals (not that those are bad, mind you!), is something that I cherish and something that is often misunderstood by people who want clear boundaries. I deny and defy those boundaries. Of this, I am proud!

Anger Mode in Effect

It has been a trying couple of months. I have had a lot of work to do. Much is yet to be done. Still, I feel compelled to return to this blog. Recently, Michael Musto, in a seeming attempt to clutch furiously at his fourteenth minute, claimed that male bisexuals do not exist. A recent article on gay.com pondered the same possibility. Although many voices of all sexualities and gender identities called these writers on their bullshit, it continues to amaze me. Firstly, female sexuality is still treated as so enigmatic, or even "childish" as to be acknowledged and presupposed as fluid, allowing for female bisexuality as a manner of course. Secondly, male sexuality is treated as totalizing, fixed and immutable. Both of these views are not only unforgivably sexist but utterly dehumanizing to the core. I freely admit that my bisexuality is not "complete." That is to say that I do not have an equal attraction to both sexes/gender identities. This does not mean that I am not attracted to people of different genders. Recently a friend asked if it bothered me when he jokes about my bisexuality. Since I could only recall one instance of his joking, it made me wonder about the possible jokes he might have made behind my back... Still, he had indeed once fawned over some hot young guy on the college campus. I found the woman that this guy was with far more alluring, and made this desire known, since my friend had explained his libidinous urges. He retorted, "We get it! You're bi! Jeez!" I don't know what to make of this, since this is a friend, after all. This is a gay man who said this. What gives? Is there some extra requirement to get your queer card? Coming from someone I call friend and whom I do like a lot does actually make the joke I heard (& the ones I haven't) all the more surprising and hurtful. Why must I fight the gay community to be part of the communtiy--especially when the straights would often push me out as a matter of course? Marginalized by people I care about? Why don't they see that this is bullshit??

Dancing Days

I’ve said that I have been monogamous since dating Michelle and Matt. This is true. However, I have a bit of tale to tell. It’s part of my life; therefore, it reflects my identity as bisexual. Nonetheless, the principals (apart from me) were gay men, so it’s also a gay story.

I had been in a relationship with Trey for almost 2 years. I was completely in love with him. As I had felt with Ivan and with Corey, I felt complete. I was done; I was finished as far as relationships go. Trey & I went to a party hosted by some friends (granted, he knew them better than I did—they were in his department at the University of ____). NEWAZ, there were many people at this party. One of these fascinating people was someone else in Trey’s department—Joe. Joe was studying similar things that Trey was. He was from California like Trey was. The party was bustling, full of varied people talking of many things. I didn’t know many of these people, so I stuck pretty close to Trey & Ann & Peg (the hostesses). The ladies kept dragging Joe over to keep him talking to us all (he seemed a bit shy). The party lasted a while & eventually began to break up. At the end, it was only the 5 of us. Ann suggested that we all go clubbing. We went to a bar and talked, played pool, and drank—a lot. In the course of talking, it finally came out that Joe was gay. That was fine with me; my ‘dar had gone off earlier NEWAZ. I talked to him about coming out & the like. He talked with Trey about it too. Trey & Joe both chatted and joked with their department cohorts Ann & Peg. Joe kissed them—deeply. I thought that was rather funny. Even Trey kissed them! I must admit this bothered me a bit, even though I knew he had no interest in them. Peg thought this bar was dull & suggested we go to the gay club. We staggered that way, impelled by alcohol and a desire for a good time that didn't end.

We arrived at the gay bar. As is often the case, the place was dark and almost ominous. I don’t know why so many “gay bars” are lit like Purgatory or Dante’s Inferno, but they often seen to be some sort of descent… NEWAZ, we were there. We drank more, we talked, sort of, over the pumping, loud music. We danced. Trey & Joe again chatted up Ann & Peg & kissed them. I was a little miffed at this. We all danced—together and in pairs. At one point, Trey, Ann, & Peg went to get more drinks. Joe & I danced on the dancefloor. I saw Trey once again kiss Peg. I don't know if that “set me off” or what, but I did the “bar whisper”—yelling into Joe’s ear. “You guys kept kissing the girls in the straight club. Would you kiss a guy in the gay club?” I said this and realized that Trey had never kissed me in public. Despite that passing thought, Joe looked at me. His eyes may have been glazed, but there was no mistaking their message. We were still dancing, & he leaned in and kissed me. Now, I have been in complete love before. I have had some strictly carnal experiences before, but Joe’s kiss was the finest I have ever experienced—even to this day. He kissed me deeply. His tongue played with mine. My blood shot through my body quickly. Firmly. I cannot deny that his kiss made me hard almost instantly. I was so surprised that when our lips parted, I had to admit to him that that was the finest kiss I had ever experienced. Trey and Ann were now dancing near us & waving at us. Had Trey seen?? Joe looked at me, and his eyes looked downward. I guess my physical reaction was obvious. His hand patted my erection gently, with purpose. He leaned in & kissed me again. Again, the feeling of that kiss blew me away. After our lips parted again, he lowered his head & brushed his cheeks against the ever-growing bulge he had created. He turned around and began to grind is backside against my crotch. I couldn't then and cannot now deny the desire I had for him.

Still, something happened. He kissed my neck, although that, too, made me desire him even more. I told him, “You know, I want you so bad, but my heart is promised to another.” My nod indicated Trey. Joe looked at Trey and then he looked back at me. He didn't say much, but he did imply that Trey need never know, that maybe Joe were the right one for me not Trey. Still, my love for Trey was paramount. Ann & Trey danced over and we switched partners. I was dancing with my beloved. Trey for the first time kissed me in public. I was lost for however many minutes that lasted. All I wanted at that moment was to make love with Trey. To be with him forever. I told him that Joe & I had kissed. Trey said, “Really? That’s hot!” That was all he ever said about it. After the night broke up, Joe would barely look at me or Trey. We all went home, and Trey & I made love. I woke up in his arms and shuddered with a wondrous delight when I awoke in those same arms.

Later (much later), I found out a few things. Although Trey was out to Ann & Peg, he had never said that he was in a relationship. Ann & Peg had been trying to set Trey and Joe up at that party! I also found out that, not long after that party, Joe pursued Trey secretly. Trey apparently did not cheat on me then (that came later!), but he also apparently did not deny the possibility as quickly as I had, although their communications were through the then-still-new medium of e-mail. Trey confessed part to me, and Joe told me more later. I forgave them both, but, given other things that I eventually learned, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had followed my hormones/desire that night instead of my heart. I realize that my heart would always have won out, but it paid its own price for loving Trey. I have not been in a true relationship since we broke up. I miss being in a relationship, but sometimes I think I am too frightened of the devastating hurt caused by betrayal and relationship’s end. Loneliness, however, has its own kinds of hurt. I guess I’m still working on a lot of those issues…